Restraining Order Placed on Tribune-Review Pittsburgh Penguins Beat Reporter for Being a Little Too Popular On Twitter

PITTSBURGH, PA

After a season of enduring what members of the Pittsburgh Penguins finally deemed to be harassment, a restraining order was filed against Tribune Review beat writer Rob Rossi in the early afternoon of July 5, 2009. Sidney Crosby explained:

"He called me all the time. Like, even after my bedtime." Said Sidney Crosby, the Captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

"He just wanted to put things on his twitter from our conversations to be popular. And I just never got it. Like, I checked out his twitter one time and all I could I say to myself was, ‘wow Rob. I haven’t written the word ‘kewl’ since like, last year.” Crosby paused. “And then, You should have seen Mario's face when he showed up at the Stanley Cup house party unannounced with a pack of Zima. The next day his twitter reads "man swimming in the pool w/ cup wish you could be there 2" I'm like, dude. you were escorted off the premise. It’s just…I don't even know anymore."

Max Talbot spoke of different encounters. "He always texts me when we're out to find out where we are and then he tries to get Staalsy and I to help him "pick up some chicks". Who the hell says "chicks" anymore? Then he texts me later about how he had such a "crazy night man" even though we had to send him home alone in a cab after he got drunk off of one beer and threw up in the fake tree outside the bar.”

"Ah, oui!” Agreed Marc-Andre Fleury. “One day he says to me, he says, "Marc-Andre, how do you feel?" I says to him. I says, "My legs are tired but I am ok." Zee next day he says on zee Twizzlers, "Marc-Andre Fleury severely fatigued and receiving below the belt massages." What zee fuck man?

Most of the teammates believe that certain “tweets” are stretched too far beyond the truth. and that Rossi is egged on by a growing number of followers.

After head coach Dan Bylsma threatened Rob and insisted to be left alone until September, this tweet appeared minutes after the conversation: “Golfing, sleeping and just relaxing away from everything."

“I don’t know how you get that from ‘Don’t fucking call me, don’t fucking text me. Leave. Me. Alone’.” Recalls Bylsma. “I dropped an f-bomb with my son in the room. I was that mad.”

Craig Adams talked about his first encounter with Rob.

“When I came over at the trade deadline the first thing the guys told me about was this guy "Rossi." I was in the Pitt locker room for like, two minutes, and next thing you know my phone's buzzing with this unidentified number. "Welcome to Pitt. We're gonna be BFFS!” I fucking knew it was him...”

“He told me. If you want to be cool and not some fourth liner you have to hang with me. Oh, and you gotta follow me on twitter. And then he got all serious and said in a threatening way "I mean it."

Sidney Crosby spoke of when he knew the restraining order needed to be filed "Recently I did a Q&A interview for Rob after avoiding him since the Stanley Cup Final. One of the questions he asked me about a picture on the internet of me sleeping with the cup. I mean, someone had to take that picture, right? He just seemed to know too much. That’s when I knew action had to be taken.“

In a later interview, however, Billy Guerin conceded that Crosby’s accusations may not be true. "What's funny is Sid thinks Rossi took that picture. Rob's not really all that bad a guy, you just kinda treat him like the dog playing fetch. I took the picture. Me. But if you look closely and read the watermark, it says "Http://www.twitter.com/rossi_on_pens" I figure if I wanna get away with it, I might as well blame someone everyone will believe is behind it."

Still, there are enough reports to defend the restraining order. Kris Letang recalls the string of incidents that made him most uncomfortable.

“Rossi kept texting me for all these sort of hair styling questions. I don't know why. So I tell him, "Dude, you just comb it." So he starts growing a goatee, right? And he's all like, "This is the Letang of my face." And so I'm all like, grossed out and stuff. Godard is waving a fist in the air and Rossi is shielding himself for some reason. Bobby G is walking by all laughing to himself and stuff and Max keeps making these mock chugging motions. Everyone skates out to practice except me. I was running a bit late and Rossi is all up in my space, interviewing me and shit. But there's no recorder. It's a bottle of hair gel. And he's holding it in front of me like a recorder. So I'm all like, pretending to talk and stuff and he's all like, pretending to interview me. When I turn around to get my helmet, I hear a snipping sound, turn around immediately and see Rossi running off with a chunk of my hair. The fucker cut me!"

Godard, however, reveals that he has been the team member that is least troubled by this entire situation. When interviewed for this article he said, “Yeah, Rossi told me he was going to tweet me once. I punched him in the nuts so hard he never bothered me again.”

Ed. Note: When Reached for comment about the Rossi tweet regarding "beach sexing" Evgeni Malkin's phone was abruptly hung up after a second of beach noises and a female voice saying "Baby, what do you mean we can't buy Florida?"

This is a obviously satire that is entirely fabricated. I shouldn't have to explain much more.